Improving our Communication Style
Language is very powerful, and the language we use can influence children for better or for worst. Let us explore one translation and shift in our language that we can make TODAY that can improve our children’s self-image, security, decisions, and confidence.
You may be thinking “if only I had a magic wand to change my child’s behavior!” I got great news for you. The magic wand is on your desk. Yep! I invite you to take out a pen and your favorite journal.
Think about the last 2 or 3 statements you told your child today to change their behavior. Please write it down. Below are some of the responses I’ve heard in the past 22 years in my field of youth development to prompt some journaling.
Don’t run around the hallway!
I don’t want to repeat myself!
You can’t do that!
This is your time to reflect on the past 24 hours. You are pausing to shift your words into a piece of paper to experience the magic.
The statements I gave as examples are NEGATIONS, meaning to focus on what wasn’t, what isn’t, and what can’t be done.
I have noticed that my brain often only listens to the adjective, noun, or verb mentioned. For example,
“Don’t think of a pink elephant.”
Was he in your kitchen or living room? Exactly.
The word “DON’T” is not even registered, we go directly to what comes after that word. So yes, if we as adults do this, imagine your little ones who are still developing.
So here is what we do, ready? We simply tell our children what we DO want them to do. I know you may be saying, “Patty don’t play, it can’t be that simple.”
Okay, let’s have some fun then and use a 4-step process to make it simple. We are going to change our negations into AFFIRMATIONS. An affirmation is to focus on what was, what is, and what can be done.
Let’s start with the first example from the statements above:
“Don’t run around the hallway!”
Step # 1
Take out the negation keyword. In this statement, it’s “Don’t.”
Run around the hallway
Step # 2
Ask yourself, is this accurate or inaccurate? Pausing to shift your focus.
Inaccurate!
Step # 3
Make the statement accurate, meaning what do you want them to do?
Walk in the hallway
That’s the magic of words and clear instruction. .
It’s about shifting the focus on what you want your listeners to hear and act upon.
We can communicate clearly as architectures do in their blueprints.
It can be simple.
Children (and adults) want to do the right thing, it helps with our self-image because we are getting it right vs. often disappointing other people’s requests of us. We become secure in our position, make good decisions, and become more confident.
Think of a boss who gave you clear instructions.
Prompt journaling question: How did his/her communication help increase your self-image, security, decisions, and confidence in your job?
Below is a video interview with my friend, Mark England, where he explains the power of repetition. I find the reason I get frustrated when I repeat myself over and over again, it’s because I’m repeating myself in negations.
“Jimmy I don’t like to see your socks on the floor!”
Let’s translate and experience the power of repeating ourselves in affirmations to become better communicators, and nourish our relationships.
I would love to read your comments on this one translation and shift to your communication style with your child. You may be wondering, “Patty did you forget step 4?”
I’m glad you noticed, step 4 is for you to put it to the test. I often remind myself of my intention to be a better communicator, instead of wanting to change someone. For me, that’s an uphill battle. Remember mask on us first, then our children, spouses, teams, etc. You got this, Superstar!
Drop your translation in the comments below. What negation have you translated into an affirmation to clearly communicate with your child today?
