The Journey of my Individuality

“Hey! I can dance!” were the thoughts rushing through my head as I was feeling so proud to take a class at Broadway Dance Studio in Manhattan. “I’m doing it, in my late 20’s! Here I am taking a risk to sign up for a class, and I’m on point!” Then the instructor said, “alright! it’s time for solo freestyle across the dance studio!”

I froze…

This blog is about the ways I am growing and evolving in opening myself up to myself first and then to the world.

The memory after freezing is unclear. Something tells me I took my bag and ran, or did one signature step and ran across. What is clear in my memory is feeling embarrassed and the thought on the train back home.

I’m afraid to do things alone

It was the narrative I told myself that night. One of my default responses when feeling embarrassed is challenging myself. I said to myself that I could and will start doing things alone. So within that same season, I took myself to the movies on 42nd street. I wanted the biggest movie theater to prove myself.

Does leaning down eating popcorn and watching other people count?

Now, I’m still very proud of my commitment to going to the movies by myself. And I also knew that I was comparing apples to oranges. Plus avoid self-reflection.

Fast forward a year or two. I had decided to go back to college and later joined Springfield Breakers Club (Yes, break dancing). And even decided to join them in a Talent Show.

I had my sweatshirt on feeling the embroiled letters on the right side of the arm “Superstar.” I’m looking at the crowd from backstage, and I said, “No, can’t, nope, not doing it.” And I left the group to be part of the audience. Then I whisper to myself,

”I’m afraid to be seen”

I felt so alone in the crowd, even with the large audience around me. I realized that I was afraid to tell myself I was feeling lonely. I was away from my community back in Queens, NY. I was in Massachusetts, a new college, and I was older than most college students. It was more than loneliness, I felt different. And with a recurring thought…

I’m not comfortable with myself

This was the beginning of the ending of the narrative above. Do you remember Mary J. Blige’s song “No More Drama”? This song has been a staple (and yes, I’m listening to it right now). For so long before my college years in 2005, I cared so much about other people’s opinions. The new narrative from this song was

Wanna speak my mind

Making a promise to myself with a whisper that day opened many doors for me. I started writing more often about my feelings. They were raw and real feelings on paper. This gave me the courage to start to talk about what was important to me in front of people. I took every opportunity to speak in front of crowds. And it worked.

The more passion for a topic, the more courage I had.

Public speaking was my gateway to my individuality. People hated speaking in front of crowds, and I knew it was my superpower. This was the beginning of deep reflection and imperfect practice. Writing my thoughts on paper helped me self-reflect and articulate my message. It also started the power behind repetition. I was sharing experiences and stories that made me with every talk.

I was becoming comfortable in my own skin

I was choosing to share my truth through research and topics that were important to me. I got my degree in Youth Development and a minor in Sociology and YMCA professional studies. Since graduation, I have had the opportunity to share many stages and with each talk, I get more comfortable, and I am becoming a better speaker.

For me, it’s communication. It’s sharing information with the world that drives my spirit, research, and work. You may be wondering, have you done a solo dance since then?

Not yet.

I’ve done some Instagram Reels, and TikTok dances, does that count? You see, it does count for me. Every video I share, it’s a window to my courage to open my heart and share my beat with you.

This solo freestyle dance is currently happening in my office, kitchen, and backyard. And it’s slowly and surely being shared on my social media outlets.

I dance with the wind when I walk, and when I breathe deeply every morning.

It’s about my journey, not my performance.

It’s okay to be afraid, I’m okay to be afraid and not ready. This journey started with a moment of challenging my comfort zone, which led to investigating my responses in writing and staying curious. And I’m still growing and evolving!

What is showing up for you?

Ask better questions about yourself in your next journal entry. What is challenging for you right now? Is there anything you can explore further?

Thank you for your continued support of this blog and for getting to this point in the blog. You rock! And as always please share it with a friend. Sharing is caring

Love,

Me.