What is Self-Boundaries

I was under the impression that boundaries meant one or two things; separating myself from the people that can negatively influence me and avoiding toxic environments.

In this blog, I share my journey in discovering self-boundaries rather than boundaries involving other people or environments, which helps make my struggles more manageable and have more grace with myself.

Self-boundaries or personal boundaries are the guidelines you set for yourself and in a relationship. I see life as relationships, personal or business, whether with a person or a group. Self-boundaries have become more manageable because I can control my feelings, thoughts, and actions. And I get it; It sucks to take self-responsibility when we can see how other people’s opinions and emotions can influence us. What we have under our control is how to respond to people, circumstances, and situations.

It’s our RESPOND-ability—the ability to choose your response.

I say our struggle, problem, or pain lies in what we tell ourselves about that situation. And even knowing this fact, I still found myself being even more unkind to myself or wanting to talk about the struggle with the person involved. I gotta admit I was wrong in thinking that the solution lies in being “transparent” or “honest” with the other person FIRST to be resolved. I have found and tested a new method focusing on me first, then others. This has helped me be less rigid in my rules, which I make up for protection.

The opposite of protection is vulnerability.

I also see a massive misconception about the definition of vulnerability. For more on this topic, go to the Blog’s search box and type “vulnerability.” I simplified the description of vulnerability by going first and creating trust. Being vulnerable comes after being clear about your feelings, articulating them, and dealing with them. How often have you gone to “a talk” with someone and could not find the words because you didn’t know how you felt? How did it go? And what about when you were clear with your feelings and dealt with them first? Did it bring you closer?

Clarity prompts closedness.

There is beauty in letting people cross their rivers. You know they’ll be stronger on the other side because they can create and walk their bridges. And it’s a fantastic feeling to meet them on the other side. I’m now learning that this bridge may take longer than my expectations for some people, and that is okay because I, too, have complex bridges to build and cross. The space we create with our loved ones exemplifies self-boundaries because you respect your pace and others. So how do we start this journey of self-boundaries? I like to start by exercising my ability to identify my feelings before I react.

Whether in thoughts or actions

I can certainly be on the side of action when it comes to those close to me without any internal resolution. And this continues the vicious cycle. Have you experienced dealing with the same thing even though you’re in different circles or environments? Wherever you go, there you will be. So dealing with your pattern and reaction is the root of the solution. Here is an exercise you can implement the next time you experience high emotions with someone close to you. Identify the feeling and then ask where you feel it in your body. In the body? Yes.

Where do you feel the pain in your body?

Remember that pain is a signal. So before you pop a pill, get curious. In this blog, I have shared plenty of times when my anger bursts, and when I get curious, I discover it is my sadness protector. You see, it’s me protecting me, from me. Whether we like it or not, it is about us. I often get angry when I get bloated. It has become one of these new habits to thank my body lately. “Ah, yes, my body is temporarily unable to digest red beans.” Instead of my old saying, “Why am I so fat!!” You see, I have been in the habit of yelling at my body when my body is doing its best to protect me the whole time.

Noticing where the pain is, helps me maintain the focus on me instead of Jimmy, my husband. Pain has moved throughout my body in the past three years. There is a shift when you take radical self-responsibility and create self-boundaries. And if you have been reading my blog for a while, it takes courage to pick up your pen and paper to write down the stories you tell yourself about yourself. So if you have been reading this far, let’s go deeper. Pen and paper require. So ask yourself when your spouse, mom, or best friend says/does anything that brings emotions.

Who is in control of my emotions?

Take a deep breath, and ask the question again, emphasizing the word, Who? After you remind yourself who is really in control, ask yourself what the most potent emotion is. I love this exercise because your girl here has at least 2-3 feelings while being “triggered.” When we ask ourselves “the most,” it helps to select and prioritize. If you’re often indecisive, this is an excellent exercise. Remember, if you want something different, do something different. Once you identify the most potent emotion, breathe again from the belly, expanding on the inhale and say it out loud, adding the phrase below:

“I’m currently experiencing _______(emotion)”

It’s important to remind ourselves that this, too, shall pass. So we use the appropriate term of movement and action with the word currently; it’s active, it’s passing. Then we also remind ourselves that we are not the emotion or the feeling; this is passing by, and we are simply noticing and identifying it. Do you see the difference between saying, “I’m angry all the time,” and “I’m experiencing anger”? One is an identity issue that can influence other unkind words about me. While the other can remind me that I am processing a feeling or emotion.

I get so excited when I remind myself that I am a process, a learner, and an explorer at heart. It helps me to give myself more grace, and when I get better at giving myself grace, I get better at sharing it with others. I see it as more playful and taking myself less seriously. And what I mean by less seriously is less pressure. I love self-boundaries as a picture of a white fence. I get to ride my horse on my property. My home (mindset) boundaries are a field to explore and get to know myself better.

I’m being more proactive about my patterns.

Being more proactive about my patterns is more manageable than constantly being reactive about my triggers. What’s the difference, you may ask? The wording and how it makes me feel about myself. Earlier in this blog, I used that word with quotations (“triggered”) because I want to wrap up this blog with the power of words we tell ourselves. To me, trigger means pulling, acting, and moving without thinking or reflecting. Adding the breath and slowing down our rate of speed can help us shift. And how much more helpful would it be to start with curiosity by the power of the word “pattern”?

You start with a question! With curiosity.

My husband Jimmy blew my mind one day when he asked me how many sides does a coin have? I said, “ONLY” two! I am more aware nowadays when I land in black and white answers. Boundaries come in different waves and colors; there are times of walking away or closing doors to some relationships and environments. However, I do my best to explore myself first with those I trust and love the most. I choose to focus on dealing with myself first. There is magic when you walk into a conversation, open yourself up, and go first with your feelings. I have succeeded in personal and business relationships when I am clear with myself first.

Dare to go deeper, it does take much courage, and I know you got it! Continue to discover yourself and how you show up for yourself and others. Thank you for reading this far. What do you like about blogs on self-care and self-responsibility? I’m dying to know!

As always, please share this blog with a friend and on social media #ysuperstarsblog

Love,

Me.